I wish that I knew what I know now…when I was younger
— “Ooh La La”, Faces

I found this in a notebook while looking for some scratch paper. I don’t remember this incident at all, but was pretty disgusted after reading it. This whole page is just one big red flag to me now. At the time, I probably rolled my eyes and was like come on, you can’t give this to the office, let me write one instead (since I found a few lines regarding this mistake in my handwriting).

This obviously was some sort of mix up since our neighbor had the same issue. There is no reason to fly off the handle. But immediately it’s ME ME ME. So many excuses, being on anxiety meds from his “military service”. It’s not like he was on active duty, he would always stretch or be vague about his “military service”. He did have mental health issues growing up, but none of that is an excuse to be so belligerent, threatening and profane.

Another huge flashing red flag is ‘leave a message because I’m not going to pick up cause I don’t think I can contain myself if I do’. That is suuuuper excessive. This is why I was constantly walking on eggshells because I never knew what little thing would set him off. I would try so hard to control the environment so I could keep the peace. Apologizing for things outside of my control stems from this. I am much better about that today (thanks EMDR!). I also have no idea why he would mention how he spoke with a VA nurse and that she thinks he should be observed. I do remember going up to Denver with him and his mom for some sort of testing, but nothing changed after that. I guess mentioning it was just another way to try to get someone to feel bad for him.

I had Josh read this after I found it and he was pretty dumbfounded. It was a little embarrassing showing the type of person I used to love, or thought I loved. It’s also hard not to dwell on the past and wonder how I overlooked SO MUCH during that time. But, I had low self esteem so who else would want me, this is just how my life is going to be. There comes a point that something just snaps in you and you realize that you don’t have to live your life like that. There isn’t a timeline, you’ll know when the time is right for you to leave. I have been fortunate enough to see both of my best friends gather their strength and realize that their husbands are abusive and have no plans in changing. They both have been married for 10 plus years and have kids, but they realized that’s not how they want to live their life and that it’s not a good environment for their kids. Since they’ve left, I’ve seen them grow and see the value in themselves and I couldn’t be more proud. You deserve to be happy and live the life you want, there is always help and no shame in asking.